Mid April: The last hurrah and then we welcomed our lil froggy
The big big news is our lil froggy arrived early and we're been getting settled in as new parents. I'm feeling pretty protective of our baby's privacy so he's going by a pseudonym online - he's the froggy for now. He has powerful legs and luminous eyes.
March was filled with a last hurrah of adventures and hobbies.
Made Platinum on Team Fight Tactics - I'm proud of this as TFT is the only competitive video game that I'm plausibly better at than JP. We actually did play a few rounds in the hospital but...err lot of interruption and so my ELO went down 😿
Hanging out in my garage...I have a whole new house with many barely furnished rooms (ha, the nursery is a pile of stuff in a room) but I am inexplicably drawn to the garage. We've tiled the floor, completed the gym. We're styling it though - I have a whole vision for a 1950's style retro themed garage.
Made a baby quilt for the our lil froggy and a matching one for his cousin who will be a month younger than him!
Made a day trip out to Whidbey Island on the first good day of spring with our friends.
I like this photo because you can see the how proud I am of my first quilt. The sun and the moon for my baby. The stars are hand embroidered with JP’s, Froggy’s, and my constellations.
And BOOM - our froggy decided to arrive early! I know already know he's going to be an angel because he was so good to his mother during birth.
Prelabor: I woke up leaking and the internet falsely reassured me this was totally normal. We went out to enjoy lunch in the park and popped into a baby store to round out the nursery. I was editing my team's performance review packets when the nurse called me up telling me I need to go to labor and delivery "NOW!!". BAHAHAH, I actually planned to finish up the packets for a hot 10 minutes before deciding that would be insane and headed directly to L&D to check my amniotic fluid checked out.
The birth: When I showed up at L&D around 6pm, I was 3.5cm dilated (10cm is when you start pushing) and 60% (out of 100%) effaced but no contractions. We started Pitocin as part of the induction around 9pm. I woke up with pain from contractions at 3am and requested the epidural. It was the perfect epidural. I slept until the morning and when the doctors came to check me around 11am I was ready to push. We pushed for about an hour and the lil' froggy came into this world! This edition of labor was less unpleasant than a redeye flight to Asia. AHAHAH, there was a great moment when the doctors all stream in for the final delivery - the baby's half hanging out of me and I'm rummaging the lunch menu discussing whether I should have a burger or a quesadilla. I felt as natural as a chicken laying her daily egg.
I actually feel a bit uncouth sharing what an easy labor I had given the range of experiences and how hard it can be for so many. However, I did want to share it because the narrative I was exposed to was mostly birth is sacrifice and pain and that's just my lot as a mother. It seems like the previous situation was that women suffered in silence. It's an improvement that we're talking about the difficulties of childbirth but I hope that we make it so everyone has can expect good reasonable physical experience. During the night, I endured some cramping for about 30 minutes thinking the pain wasn't unbearably bad yet. My nurse noticed I was in pain and nonchalantly mentioned I might call the anesthesiologist in the same tone as I could ask her to bring me water if I was thirsty. Then it clicked - I simply didn't need to be in pain.
Postpartum week 1: This was the hardest part of the entire pregnancy journey even though I did it on easy mode. Excessive attempts at breastfeeding triggered a short downward spiral of sleep deprivation and hormone fluctuations. My original plan was to make a reasonable effort at breastfeeding and then explore alternatives like bottles and formula as needed. "Reasonable" was quickly stretched to as long as I don't faint from the pain. The decisions are mine to own but I will say that the expectations I encountered in the first few days certainly made me feel like the one true path is that the baby shall only ever feed from the boob and that I wasn't committed to froggy if I didn't push through the pain.
Same commentary r.e. being a labor: I don't love that the general expectation around breastfeeding is difficulty and pain. Many trivially solved problems today used to be terribly hard and it seems sensible to find solutions to the challenges of motherhood too!
After following the recommended exclusive breastfeeding guidance for a mere 24 hours, my nips turned into bleeding swollen masses resembling rooster mohawks. Four different nurses and lactation consultants sweetly reassured me this was perfectly normal. They gave me some gel pads and recommended I should continue feeling through the pain and slowly heal in little two hour windows between feedings on no sleep. It really didn't seem like there were other viable alternatives as attempts to consider pumping or formula resulted in well meaning doomsday warnings: Nipple rejection - he might forever suckle lazily or never want my nipple again. My supply might not come in if I don't nurse enough early on and he might be denied all the benefits of breastmilk [1]. I eventually used formula for two nights when he started losing too much weight. Here I could finally give myself permission because it was for froggy's health not me. However, with the benefit of some good sleep, I was able to actually heal, came to my senses and went back to my original definition of reasonable [2].
The baffling thing is that I went in with a sensible plan but I let myself be accidentally guilted into one that didn't work for me at all. My well meaning efforts on breastfeeding made sleep deprivation and physical recovery worse because I was waking up every 2 hours to feed through my throbbing nips (which definitely weren't healing...fancy gel pads or not). Halfway through the week, I was hit with infamous baby blues my brain started outputting nonsensical ideas and I'm certain the physical pain and sleep deprivation didn't do me any favors. [3]
Postpartum week 2: This 2nd week going on to third has actually been really fulfilling. Froggy is waking up to the world and we marvel at how he grows day over day. Logistically, we've starting to figure out how he integrates into our lives and we integrate into his and to my surprise this new life is actually enjoyable. Years ago, I'd convinced myself that getting a boyfriend would be the end of life and fun. I found myself surprised when I preferred going through life with JP than to the wild freedom and independence of my early 20s. Maybe it's a similar transition I'm going through now. There's still challenges but it feels productive and wholesome now - like a hard workout. The actual analogy for the past week that comes to my mind is that this feels like a strange domestic Burning Man. I'm on this journey and there's no right or wrong way of doing it. Part of it are physically miserable but other times I feel so complete and one with the universe (pretty sure the hormones that fluctuate 100x from baseline can give whatever people take at BM a run for it's money). Time and the rest of the world doesn't really matter. The nights are long and disorienting - breastfeeding makes me extremely thirsty and ravenous so I'm always chugging water and rummaging for foods at 3am. (We've joked about setting up a home poutine stand to round out this DIY BM experience) It takes forever to leave the house since we need to pack for every eventuality. I've purchased everything off Amazon that might remotely contribute to my comfort and I need duplicates of everything
Froggy hanging out with us as we get some peonies and lilies planted.
[0] I don't identify as a mama at all but everything targeted to pregnant/new mothers seems to be for "mamas". I do however identify as a 妈妈
[1] I'm in a demographic that reads a lot of Emily Oyster and I'm convinced the benefits of breastmilk are moderate short term improvements like fewer colds as a baby...and then this same demographic seems to go hardcore on breastfeeding - myself included. 🤷🏻♀️
[2] The logistics that actually worked for us the last two weeks:
Daytime: Nurse 15 minutes on each side during the daytime when I had energy to focus on technique and coaxing the baby. Time-box to 15 minutes to keep my nips intact and keep the amount of time we spent feeding sane. Then, top up froggy with pumped breastmilk if available, use formula if out of breastmilk.
Nighttime: I pump as needed. If I feel like nursing I nurse. If I don't, we bottle-feed him from the last round of pumping. (We used to need the occasional formula top up for a half oz here or there but my supply has come in most generously)
[3] There's a bit more to this. Baby blues hit me around the time my milk came in and my boobs became these terrible throbbing lumps. It's actually merely uncomfortable rather than painful but it feels so foreign and so wrong. It reminded me of getting my period for the first time and having to accept that I was going to cramp and bleed monthly for decades. I'm not sure if the lumps triggered the blues or the blues triggered the revulsion at the lumps. I found the fight for mental control scarier than the actual anxiety / sadness - my brain was outputting all these thoughts I didn't identify with. It was most unpleasant to argue with myself when I'd already decided what my true beliefs were.